im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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