I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
