What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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