it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How's work?
Spinning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
