my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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