Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
