I think I am morally bankrupt
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
