mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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