We're facebook friends in real life
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
We named our party play list daddy issues
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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