what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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