Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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