the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
