I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
