I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
