It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
