The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
