ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
