You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There r osticjed everywhere
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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