Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
