i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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