I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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