it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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