Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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