like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
