just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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