Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
