none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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