ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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