Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
