Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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