Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
