He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
