So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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