Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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