a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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