I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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