i jhust puked up my retainher.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
