I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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