If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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