I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
