you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
