I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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