I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
