one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
