Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
