just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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