she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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