I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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