then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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