Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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