I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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