bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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