I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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