I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
