I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
