I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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