she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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