she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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