I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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