At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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