I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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