you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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