I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
