before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
