you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
